just tell him i said nine months
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
