Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
