I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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