the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
