i don't like sucking hair
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
