i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
