Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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