I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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