I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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