Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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