This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
