Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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