She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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