just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
