The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
