I wish I could punch you in the face.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
