I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
