Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
