that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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