Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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