Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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