a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
