things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
