I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
