she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
