Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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