U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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