It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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