At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
