Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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