i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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