I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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