I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
