Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
