fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
