you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
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I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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