she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
