yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
