She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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