Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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