I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize