I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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