I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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