Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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