there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
