Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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