My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
