Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
