I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
