seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
