a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
