my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I looked at my own cervix.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
