this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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