Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
