I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
