my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
