So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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