Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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