Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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