i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
