So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important