I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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