areolas are like halos for boobs.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄