I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
